Here it comes again...that same old argument that keeps playing like a broken record. While it's normal, and even healthy, for couples to argue sometimes, having the same fight over and over is indicative of a larger problem.
Instead of jumping to the conclusion that something must be wrong with the relationship, take a step back and look at the underlying issue. Having the same fight repeatedly is not a death sentence for your relationship, but rather an opportunity to improve communication and work through underlying emotional causes.
Step 1: Identify Triggers
If you are aware that a certain topic is the spark for this recurring fight, then you're on the right path. Being aware of the trigger is an important first step to resolving the issue.
Often, our bodies respond first. When the trigger occurs, do you feel tense? Start to sweat? Feel shaky? Being aware of these warning signs can help you put a stop to it before reaching a tipping point.
Step 2: Have an Alternative Response
When an argument happens over and over, it can become a habit to repeat the same frustrated phrases over and over, too. However, instead of falling back into a pattern that doesn't work, create an alternative response.
You've identified the trigger, so now it's time to rewrite the script. Express to your partner that you're feeling triggered. Taking ownership of your feelings and being honest takes the blame off of them and opens the door for more productive conversation.
Step 3: Listen Actively
N
ow that you've expressed you're feeling triggered, it's time to have a productive and healthy conversation.
Remember, communication is not just about talking and making a point, it's also about active listening. Express how you are feeling without placing blame on your partner. And be sure that when they do the same, you are really listening.
Understanding each other in this way is crucial in preventing this cycle from continuing.
Step 4: Identify What You're Really Fighting About
When you're in a more peaceful and productive talking space together, you can look at the real issue. It's easy for a recurring argument to pop up in seemingly unrelated conversations. By looking at the source, you can begin to resolve the underlying cause.
One good way to approach this is by addressing the process first instead of the content of the fight. Why does it always happen this way? What is really going on that is going unsaid?
Being honest about what you're really mad about is key to resolving the true issue.
Step 5: Forget Your Ego
It's not unnatural to want to be right. However, your need to be right in this recurring argument can actually hold you back from resolving it. This mindset prevents you from listening actively and identifying the real cause.
Additionally, some may have had bad experiences with an ex that causes them to be defensive or triggered by small things. If this is your case, remember that your current partner is not your ex. Assuming that things will be the same with your current partner is doing them a disservice. You're setting them up for failure.
Remember, your current partner is a unique individual and not a clone of your ex. So when resolving a recurring issue, check your ego at the door.
Step 6: Attend Counseling
Of course, the previously listed steps are a great place to get started. However, it may be unrealistic to assume it's something you can do on your own. It's okay to need outside help.
Seeing a counselor or licensed therapist can help you both grow in your relationship and move away from this frustrating loop. This is an opportunity for learning and healing. If you've taken the first steps or feel you're having trouble getting started, reach out today to set up an appointment for couples counseling. Together, we can have a safe, productive conversation and begin working toward a resolution.
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