Having friendships outside of your romantic relationship is normal and healthy. We should not expect our partners to meet our every single need. Often, friends can offer a different kind of emotional support that’s necessary for enriching our lives.
However, innocent friendships can sometimes develop into instances of emotional infidelity. When that happens, you should take another look at your relationship with your partner and try to address the root causes of this emotional intimacy with another person.
What defines an emotional affair?
Platonic friendship can evolve into emotional infidelity if the boundaries of intimate information (set by the primary couple) are crossed. It’s normal to have everyday conversations about your partner to other people, especially if you’re looking to problem-solve a conflict you two are having. But emotional infidelity takes these conversations deeper.
You’ll bond over this boundary-crossing intimacy and shared problems. When this happens, you may find yourself hiding time you’ve spent with this person. The key defining feature of emotional infidelity is secrecy.
By keeping this friendship a secret, you’ll begin to neglect your primary relationship. All your anticipation and focus go toward the other person. You might begin feeling distracted when you’re with your partner, or get easily annoyed and critical of them. You’ll find yourself spending more time on your phone or computer rather than having quality interactions with your partner.
Even though emotional affairs aren’t overtly sexual, they can still do similar damage to your relationship with your partner. Though there’s no sexual contact, there’s most likely sexual tension inside the emotional affair. There is sexual attraction between one or both people, whether it’s openly acknowledged or not. This tension will fuel even more secretiveness between the two of you, raising the stakes of the relationship.
Like physical infidelity, emotional infidelity will cause people to feel hurt, betrayed, and deceived. Both people will lose confidence in the relationship and develop trust issues. This creates even more barriers to healthy communication. Without addressing the root cause of the emotional infidelity, the problems that preceded it will only increase over time.
If you have a close friendship outside your relationship, ask yourself these questions:
Do you look forward to being alone with them?
Are you exchanging personal gifts?
Are you sharing thoughts and feelings that you’re withholding from your partner?
Do you believe this person understands you better than your partner does?
Are you physically withdrawing from your partner?
Has your interest in intimacy with your partner gone down?
Do you find yourself having to justify the time you spend with the other person, saying “We’re just friends”?
Are you keeping significant parts of your friendship a secret?
Are you and your partner fighting more often, especially about this other person?
What should I do if I think I’m having an emotional affair?
First, start by admitting there is a serious rift between you and your partner that hasn’t been addressed. Self-reflect on your friendship and consider whether its worth keeping. Listen to your partner and be empathetic when they come to you emotionally de-stressed.
Consider individual counseling so you can learn more about your emotions and relationships with other people.
Should you seek counseling?
Some couples emerge from emotional infidelity stronger. The key is overcoming your communication issues. Address the root causes of where this inappropriate relationship stemmed from. Reconnect emotionally and find excitement together so that one person doesn’t seek something crucial they’re lacking from their partner.
If you feel you and your partner need to work through an emotional infidelity, please reach out to me for couples counseling so you can better communicate and redevelop intimacy.
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