To improve communication in your relationship, it’s important to learn what moments of communication are made up of. Bids, according to the Gottman Institute, are units of emotional connection.
Understanding bids is crucial to building a successful relationship. For healthy couples, they’re the foundation of everyday communication. They can be verbal or nonverbal. They can be in the form of questions, comments, gestures, affectionate touches, sexual appeals, and facial expressions—anything that reaches across the aisle from one person to the other.
A bid invites three types of responses: turning toward the partner and accepting the bid, turning away and ignoring the bid, or turning against the bid in anger and outright rejection.
Here are some tips to get you started with making successful bids.
Don’t Be Afraid to Start the Conversation
Part of making successful bids is a willingness to be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Allow your emotions to guide you into your bids. Are you genuinely interested in learning more about the new hobby they’ve taken up?
Ask pointed questions and get them to engage in teaching you a bit. Are you craving physical touch? Ask for a foot or back rub. Being afraid of rejection from the beginning will stifle your communication. Being direct, as opposed to subtle, will create opportunities for deeper connection.
Be Attentive to Body Language
Knowing your partner’s body language is key to making successful bids. Don’t confuse this with walking on eggshells around your partner! Learn to embrace healthy boundaries and moments of solitude between you. Paying attention to their nonverbal communication will also help you see when they’re making their own bids toward you.
Smiles, winks, waves—all these are little bids of communication that ask you to engage in some way! This attentiveness will help you not miss (or ignore) their bids, turning the moments into successful ones.
Embrace the Little Moments
Relationships aren’t built on a foundation of grand gestures. While anniversaries and birthdays are sometimes worth going all-out for, it’s the day-to-day communications that make or break a relationship over time.
Don’t wait for a big event to consciously make bids. Engage your partner over coffee in the morning or ask to take a walk together without bringing your phones in the evening. Think about bids in terms of abundance. They happen every day in every small interaction you have with your partner. Rethinking your communication style will help you learn how to bid as often as possible.
Communicate About the Misses (and Successes)
Let your partner know when your bid didn’t work. Approach this from a loving angle rather than an accusatory one. Explain that your bid for sensual touch wasn’t really about the foot rub itself, but was you reaching out for a physical connection in a time of loneliness.
Tell them when you’re not feeling heard. But it’s important to also be honest about when your bids work. Let them know you appreciate that they’re turning towards you. Celebrate your healthy daily communication. Use this opportunity to make the time for more bids!
Moving Forward
Learn how bids make or break moments of successful communication. In relationships that last, partners turn toward and accept each other’s bids much more often than those in relationships that fall apart.
They are also constantly bidding with one another—over dinner, the conversation, eye contact, facial expressions, and even sighs and laughter are all bids. Recognizing these will set you on your way to a healthier, more fulfilling, more nurturing relationship.
For more information about how to make your relationship communication work, please contact me for couples counseling.
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