Are you in a relationship rut where all of your relationships tend to end for similar reasons? Does it feel like each relationship is doomed from the start?
When it comes to dating, many people are creatures of habit and have tendencies and patterns that result in the same mistakes. Others have learned behaviors from family that may not be the most productive.
Here are a few ideas to help break the old habits, learn from the mistakes, and avoid repeating them in future relationships.
1. Accept Your Role
First and foremost, a good starting point is to look at your role in any past relationships. Relationships are a two-way street, and you were an active part of them before they ended. Now, that’s not to say you were responsible for your partner’s actions, but you are for your own.
It’s important to understand your behavior patterns and be open to making changes to yourself where necessary. You’re the only one who has the power to change you, whether it’s being more compassionate and kinder, improving your instinctual reactions to disagreement or conflict, or being more proactive in establishing and maintaining your boundaries.
2. Adjust Your Expectations
It’s easier now more than ever to fall into the trap of wanting the fairy tale relationship. Movies, TV shows, books, and social media all depict picture-perfect relationships where everything is always happy and nothing bad ever happens. Unfortunately, this isn’t real life. (Although it would be great if it were.)
If you’re one of those people who is waiting for perfection, that may be one underlying cause of previous failed relationships. Now is a great time to reevaluate your expectations in a relationship and make adjustments as needed to prevent future disappointment.
3. Avoid Comparison
Depending on how long ago you ended your most recent relationship, there may be lingering thoughts or feelings. Try to avoid comparing previous partners.
The same comparison rules apply to relationships with friends and family around you. Their situations and milestones are specific to them and have nothing to do with you. Just because a loved one had a bad experience doesn’t mean you will have the same issue. Their positive experiences may not play out the same way for you.
Gain a better understanding of what you want and what will make you happy and look for that. Don’t let outside influences change your mind.
4. Improve Any Communication Gaps
While you’re doing some self-reflection, take a look at how your communication with previous partners was. Healthy communication is the foundation for a lasting relationship. If there were communication gaps, address them and be mindful of them in future relationships.
Communication is built on active listening, the ability to admit when you’re wrong, nonverbal language, tone of voice, respectful commentary, eye contact, and “I” statements. It’s also a good skill to learn, but it requires some practice for most people — being able to disagree and still be aware that you’re on the same side.
Communication skills require active work and ongoing practice to remain effective.
5. Be Authentically You
When you’re in a new relationship, it can be easy to conform to liking things your partner does to ensure the relationship takes off. If you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship, it can become a habit to deny your own wants, needs, and interests.
Going into future relationships, it will be best practice to be your authentic self. If you want the relationship to thrive, you must bring your true self. They aren’t your person if they don’t love you for exactly who you are.
6. Seek Professional Guidance
There will be times when you may need an outside perspective. Understanding your patterns or knowing what you should change can be difficult. You deserve a happy and rewarding relationship.
Are you looking for guidance in determining what may be holding you back? Contact us to schedule your first session to learn more about couples therapy.
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