We all want to be seen, heard, and understood. Whether talking about feeling heard by our partner, family, friends, or children, we all want to know that someone gets our point of view. More than anything, we want to know our feelings are understood.
When you have a partner who is emotionally invalidating, it can be hard to deal with. When the basics of what you want aren't met, what then? This can feel like an obstacle that is hard to get through. However, it can be dealt with.
4 Ways to Deal With An Emotionally Invalidating Partner
1. Communicate With Them
It can be easy to assume that your partner can read your mind — that you have been together long enough that they should just know what you're thinking. Sadly, that isn't ever accurate.
Maybe they don't even realize that they aren't validating your emotions. You can't work on something if you don't know it's happening. Express your feelings and experiences with your partner in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way.
Use "I" statements to explain how you are feeling. For example, your instinct may be to say, "You never listen to me." Instead, shift this to, "I feel misunderstood when my feelings are dismissed."
2. Call Them Out
In a respectful way, of course. You aren't alone if you have heard your partner say something like, "I didn't make you feel..."
If your partner utters anything close to this, don't be afraid to call them out on it. Don't be afraid to say, "You don't get to decide how I do or don't feel about this." That can often be the catapult to opening the larger conversation of how your partner invalidates your thoughts and emotions.
3. Set Boundaries
Boundaries, as hard as they can be to set, are important in a relationship. We all have them as individuals; just because you are in a relationship does not mean these should be crossed.
Contrary to popular belief, you are not "as one" with your partner. You both have your own desires and needs that should be met, and you feel respected for things you don't want.
Establish clear boundaries about what will and won't be accepted within the relationship.
4. Educate Them
Our early childhood relationships greatly influence the ones we have as adults. We often don't connect these dots and see how everything is interrelated to our lives now.
It could very well be that your partner didn't grow up in a home that honored or talked about emotions. They have never had the chance to foster empathetic relationships with those who were in their life growing up. Due to this, they may not even give emotions a second thought because they aren't used to that type of thinking.
Open up this conversation with your partner. Don't lecture them, of course, or belittle them for not understanding the importance of validating each other's emotions. Let me know that validating each other's emotions and thoughts doesn't mean you have to agree with everything you say to each other. Rather, it is more about acknowledging and respecting your individual viewpoints.
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As you work through trying some of these suggestions out, don't expect there to be an immediate change. It takes time to unlearn a habit or form a new way of thinking and understanding. If you see that they are trying, be sure to let them know that you do see that they are making an effort.
If nothing else, don't hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples counseling. Together, we can get to the root cause of what influences them and how you can help each other learn and grow as individuals.
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